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| The perfect present for this red loving girl, from my perfect friend Liz. |
It was ~ Christmas card illustrated, movie depicted, exactly what it was supposed to be ~ perfect.
Of course, this was all through the eyes of a child. I am sure in reality, my mother was exhausted from the prep, shopping, cooking and cleaning, managing in-laws (or out-laws as my aunt used to call them). I bet she fretted over the cost of gifts and food to feed a small army, but as a child, I was blissfully unaware of all that. My only concerns were about school vacation and what Santa brought. Since, he always came down the chimney with everything on my list and school was out through New Year's Day, I was good.
Perfect was pretty easy to arrange at nine or ten.
Once my dad died things changed a bit. Well, a lot actually. At twelve, the magic of Santa wasn't as magical, my mom spent Christmas choking back tears as she counted one less at the table. The crowd dwindled and our holiday dinners were moved to my sisters' newlywed homes. We were not the party house anymore.
Christmas was different and definitely not perfect.
It stayed that way for a long time, through my teen years and into my early twenties, when I started dating my husband. Love has a way of making the holidays glow, doesn't it? We went to parties, sent out cards, shopped for family and exchanged sentimental gifts. The box of long stem, white roses he gave me on our first Christmas together was the most beautiful gift I had ever received.
Even my mother's tears were a bit more bearable with his strong hand in mine.
Perfect was back.
Once again, it lingered for a good long while. Kids were born, Santa returned, the family grew and now I was the hostess with a very crowded house...and while I adored every minute of the Christmas chaos, the pressure to make sure it was always perfect for my kids and truly, for myself, was always there.
No one had better get sick, the food needed to be top notch, every item on the wish list had to be purchased in between gingerbread house decorating, holiday light drives, school performances, the best seats at The Nutcracker, jaw dropping Advent gifts, visits with Santa, artfully posed greeting cards, crafts and cookies of every kind, classic tv watching and visits with family and friends.
Even the year I had a miscarriage, I was stenciling handmade wrapping paper with the kids in between every gut-wrenching contraction and ducking into the family room when the pain and tears became too much, before popping back out to add a few gumdrops to the gingerbread village.
You would think that that would've been the year I gave up perfect, but Sicilian genes are stubborn. And I was on a perfect binge.
That was several years ago, when I was 41 or 42, I've lost count. Things look different at 47. I think I've mellowed. Well, maybe not according to my husband, but definitely when it comes to Christmas.
Perhaps, my new, more laid back approach to the holidays comes from the simplifying binge I've been on these past few years. My life has actually improved with less stuff to manage. The idea that Christmas could be fabulous with less has become quite appealing. Maybe, it's the whole, "it came without boxes and bags" thing.
Or maybe I'm just finally growing up and seeing the holidays through the eyes of an adult.
I spent so many years trying to recreate the Christmases of my youth, when my family was intact, when my mom thought Christmas was the most wonderful time of the year and laughter filled the air instead of sad remembrance, that I have forgotten one basic fact...
...that nothing is ever really perfect.
That perfect, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder and even during imperfect days, there are perfect moments.
People come in and out of your life, kids grow up and move away. The holidays are what you make of them and the stick a child uses to gauge Christmas, or the memories of Christmas, is isn't always a realistic or accurate tool to measure perfection.
This year, we haven't had a lot of time to watch all those holiday specials or see The Nutcracker, we baked cookies from a bag, there is no gingerbread house...although I am still hoping we get to that one. My husband and I have decided not to exchange gifts. Trust me, we have enough stuff, so this year, our gift to each other, is simply each other. The kids don't get it, but that's ok. Someday, they will.
For the first time in forever, family is scattered, my mom is in a hospice bed at home and our holiday table will be set for six instead of the usual thirty. I will not be serving chateaubriand, my husband is going to make fajitas, because they sound like fun. My sister and brother in law don't know it yet, but we're going to watch an old DVD of my kids' performance in a musical version of A Christmas Carol for a good laugh and bring out our tattered deck of UNO cards...and I'm pretty sure we'll all be wearing sweatpants.
Decidedly different from holidays past, but perfect just the same.
I guess I'm a big girl now.
Merry Christmas my friends.
I wish you all a perfect day.
However you spend it.
Kim, this was a wonderful post, so beautifully written and touched me right to my heart and soul. It's amazing how similar we truly are - many of us struggle with the exact same feelings during the holidays, trying to make things "perfect." Well, you're right and I love what you said - Christmas is NOT perfect and will never be. But there are perfect moments in each and every day. Merry Christmas, my friend. xo
ReplyDeleteMerry Christmas to you too, my friend. I wish you many perfect moments throughout your Christmas day!! :)
DeleteI love reading your posts. Your quest to use less has finally reached me, at age 66, and I'm just beginning to get rid of years of stuff! Wish me luck.
ReplyDeleteBernardine
Good luck Bernardine and thank you for the very sweet comment! :)
DeleteOur Christmas isn't the same either, but it is perfect in our new perfect way. Bless you for the gift of the jeans.
ReplyDeleteMerry Christmas, Marty! :)
Delete
ReplyDeletewhat a wonderful Christmas gift you have given us. as I said the other day about our decor is just our hearts showing, your words and your willingnnes to share your memories is , to me, offering us a piece of your heart and I am greatly appreciative of this gift..
enjoy every moment and may it be blessed with Joy and good Health..
my heartfelt thanks,
Sonny
Sonny, thank you for the lovely words. I wish you a blessed holiday as well and a fabulous 2016! :)
DeleteThis is a wonderful post. Christmas puts pressure on folks and you have found the key to back off that driving need to be perfect. We need to be kind to ourselves and each other. The barber asked my husband if we had a tree up and the reply was, "The neighbors have their tree up in the front window, we can see it, so that's our tree!".
ReplyDeleteThat sounds like the best tree ever, Donna!! ;) Merry Christmas and enjoy it!
DeleteWhat a sweet heartfelt post! Thinking of you Dear Kim this Christmas! Wishes for peace and joy this season. Thinking of your dear mother and trusting she will have comfort. I count you as a great gift in my life. I appreciate the way you have with words and your encouragement! Those are truly thing that money can't buy! Merry Christmas!
ReplyDeleteYour words have truly touched me, Lynn. I wish you the best Christmas, full of fun, family and blessings. Merry Christmas! :)
DeleteKim,
ReplyDeleteBoy what a wonderful post. I am right there with every word. Perfect is right up there with Normal. Whatever that is!!!! I found this year especially less is more and time is the gift to cherish. Merry Christmas.
Kris
Ha, Kris, you are so right…perfect and normal…whatever they are!! Merry Christmas my friend.
DeleteThis is such a great post! I learned years ago that "perfect" was a word in the dictionary and "normal" was the setting on a dryer. Our Normal Rockwell visions dance throughout our heads when we are children and even as young adults. But we grow up, reality sets in and we learn to create our own perfection...like beauty, it is in the eye of the beholder! I hope you and your family have a blessed Merry Christmas, full of all the things you wish for it to be! Love and hugs to you sweet friend! BTW...great post for the Blog it Forward!!
ReplyDeleteThank you for tagging me, Benita. It was nice to be able to share my tale and I wish you and your family a very Merry Christmas in your lovely new home! :)
DeleteI think you just wrote my life story of Christmas pasts in this lovely post!! I grew in an Italian family with huge Christmas Days and when my Dad died when I was 10, that all changed too. I think this is the first year that I have come to terms that Christmas is not perfect and what I think it should be. It is what we make it and who we enjoy it with. Like you I have tried to simplify the whole holiday but find myself feeling more generous than bah humbug and so have been running with that in the gift department! I am blessed and have decided to enjoy what I have been blessed with.....close family, grandchildren and friends, especially my new blog friends. I found out something new about you too....that you are Sicilian! I come from a long line of Sicilians. Your post is another confirmation to me that it is all good right where we are and we can enjoy the holiday any way we do it. Merry Christmas!
ReplyDeleteMerry Christmas, AnnMarie!! So much in common, some good, some not so good. I am sorry to hear that you lost your dad so young, too. I bet we could compare some very silly family stories though! We will have to do that one day for sure!! :)
DeleteKim I was so touched by this post and the memories it brought back to me growing up with a house full of family and friends every Christmas. I am so enjoying this year with a less is more approach and it has been such a blessing. Wishing you a very Merry Christmas filled with joys to carry you into the new year. Thank you for being such a dear blogging friend. xo
ReplyDeleteI am grateful for your sweet comments and friendship, too, CelestinaMarie. I wish you a very Merry Christmas full of happiness! :)
DeleteKim, every line of this post made me think. It took me back in time to my dear mother working so hard to make a beautiful Christmas for us, her staying up late to wrap last presents, hemming dresses for 4 daughters. Our sweet mother is in a nursing home near my sisters many states away.
ReplyDeleteI have caught myself trying to replicate childhood Christmases--as well as those I think others might be having, but truly, now that my kids all are grown with homes of their own, just having them home is the best Christmas of all.
I wish a comforting and meaningful Christmas to your family, whether it's perfect or not,
Dewena
You are absolutely right, Dewena, just having the kids and family around you is the best gift of all. Thank you for the lovely comment and sweet wishes. Merry Christmas to you and your family.
DeleteBeautifully written post! I guess if one wants to look at the glass as half-full, you can remember the early first Christmases. Life is tough. Like your mother & hospice. I'm so sorry. As I get older, I just want to simplify. I stopped exchanging presents with everyone years ago. Just seemed so commercial. I will take my grandchildren to the bookstore to pick out books after Christmas when the crowds die down. I guess I've never been the type to seek perfection, so I count myself lucky there!
ReplyDeleteBrenda
Picking out books sounds like a super fun Christmas tradition, Brenda. Just perfect if you ask me! ;) Merry Christmas, my friend.
DeleteYour story is both heart wrenching and inspiring. Women and the desire for perfection goes way back. Maybe the world of blogging in all it's excess is starting to open or eyes. Everyone seems to be downsizing thoogh, purging and wanting to spend more time on everything but 'busyness". Yay!
ReplyDeleteI did it again---I feel the pressure of the never ending Christmas celebrations that start tomorrow. I was making sweets today and I thought how I could have cut my costs in half by buying bakery items and I could have been sitting in front of the fire with a book instead of standing in the kitchen all afternoon. It's a toss up though. My son stopped in and was sampling everything that came out of the oven. The he laid down on the living room floor in the lights of the Christmas tree and played with the dogs. He looked like he was 14 again. Can I learn to balance things? I don't have the answer. You've experienced a lot of pain during the holiday season and I applaud you for making it what it is now---all about your loved ones and very little fuss. Perhaps each year will be something new and different for all of us--I mean a girl can changer her mind, right? :)
Merry Christmas, Kim. I'm so grateful to have met you this year!
Jane x
It sounds like your day with your son was well worth all the work to make those sweets. I think that the kids really do appreciate what we do, perhaps we just have to do it in moderation and realize that if something doesn’t get done, it’s not going to ruin the whole holiday.
DeleteThank you so much for sharing your thoughts with me, Jane and I too am so glad that we met this year. All the best for a very Merry Christmas and a fabulous 2016!
Such a beautiful and touching post! I've definitely relaxed my standards of perfectionism at Christmas as I've gotten older and especially since my oldest son passed away six years ago. I used to give cards and bake goodies for all the neighbors and for my in-laws, too. Not this year. I simply don't have the inclination or the energy. I won't allow myself to feel guilty over that either. It is what it is.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to hear about your mother. Big hugs to you.
Thank you, Melanie. It is what it is…it’s my new mantra! ;)
DeleteLoved your blog! Made me cry! Sad and happy of Christmas pasts! We all have cherished memories of perfect times and know now! Not so perfect! My mother had a stroke from Altztimers on Christmas Eve 6 years ago and died 6 days later! Dealing with Dad and trying to fix everything doesn't always work! Life is life ! Not perfect till we all meet in heaven ! Let's enjoy every day ,Christmas or not ! Cherish every moment the best we can! Take care!
ReplyDeleteCindy, I am so sorry to hear that you lost your mom. Thank you for sharing your wise words, indeed true, Christmas or not. :)
DeleteBeautiful post Kim! Our Christmases changed when our girls went to college and it's never been the same. That's life I guess but boy it sure sucks sometimes. Wishing you a very Merry Christmas filled with joy and laughter and love!
ReplyDeleteMerry Christmas to you, Kristi and enjoy your time with your girls. It is indeed precious.
DeleteBeautiful Kim . . .
ReplyDeleteIt is like a painting as I "read you."
You write beautufully . . . perfectly . . .
There's that word . . .
Merry Christmas Kim, for you, your husband, family . . .
Enjoy that home movie . . .
Thank you, Lynne. Your words are perfect! ;) Tee hee!!
DeleteYour post brought back memories of raising 3 boys, active in church and choir, gifts for teachers, a house full of guests, on and on...then mine mellowed out a bit when they were older but went into full swing when my first grandchild was born and little....mountains of toys to wrap again, etc.
ReplyDeleteMountains of toys are the best part of Christmas, Deb...enjoy those grands! You are blessed!!
DeleteThe only thing that has stayed the same about our Christmas is CHANGE. It can still be magical, but sometimes I think it's dark magic at work, ha! I have let go of a lot of the picture postcard things we used to do, too. My kids are older, our circle of family has shrunk, and I am tired of the pressures that come with the "perfect" Christmas. It just isn't possible, unless you strive to make it happy - then it comes a little closer to perfect, in that you enjoy it more. And btw, your evening meal sounds delightful! Merry Christmas to you and yours!
ReplyDeleteI agree, a happy Christmas sounds a lot more realistic and that’s really what we’re all looking for anyway. I wish you and yours a Happy Christmas!! :)
DeleteAs usual your eloquently heartfelt word's have moved me to take the high road. What get's done , get's done . I was in the ER last Friday night with sepsis, instead of letting them admit me , I chose to come home to get EVERYTHING done .Why ... my health is more important !! Card's are going out today , wrapping start's today and God love her, my 83 yr old mom baked Christmas cookies. I'm so sorry your mom is receiving Hospice care. I'm not a blogger but I did pay it forward and the day I did , I received 3 lovely card's and a package in the mail , all unexpected !! Thank you for your word's of wisdom , they hit home .
ReplyDeleteHave a very Merry Christmas !!!!! Tammy ❤️
Tammy, thank you so much for your lovely comment, as always! I am sorry that you were in the ER and I hope that you are well and resting now, even among the Christmas craziness! Merry Christmas and be well. :)
DeleteOh my sweet friend...you write so beautifully. Christmas through the eyes of a child really is different, isn't it? I'm sure my mom struggled with things too, but as kids, we never really knew it. I had no idea you lost your dad at such a young age. I'm so sorry you had to endure that pain. I think as our kids get older, our holidays will change from year to year. I think your fajitas and sweatpants kind of Christmas sounds just about perfect. Oh, and just so you know, I'll probably be in my sweats too. We never were the dressing up kind of family. :) Wishing you a wonderful day and many blessings in 2016! So glad we connected this year!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Lisa. I too am glad we met, lots in common…including sweatpants! ;) Merry Christmas!
DeleteGrowing up, coming of age or however you want to describe it, we all have to find our ground. I think your words probably have meaning to each one of us in some way. I didn't grow up in a home filled with traditions or with a mom who put out any kind of effort to create a Christmas filled with memories. After I got married, I determined to create those "Norman Rockwell" moments as best I could.....I had nothing to gauge my efforts by, except for a very slim "young marriage budget!" This year would have been an easy year to go very simple or not at all, but this year I felt more driven to surround myself and my husband with those special Christmas memories and traditions. We did some "armchair" shopping for ourselves and The Grands all got gift cards....not one single present to wrap (my least favorite thing to do anyway). After each of our children got married, we asked (or maybe it was a blood-oath) them not to buy presents for us until they each had children, then they could give us photos & nothing more. We just didn't like the idea of them trying to take care of their young families on tight budgets and try to also give something to their dad and I. As moms, we tend to put everyone else ahead of ourselves, but there is a good reason that you're told to put your oxygen mask on first.....if we don't take care of ourselves, we cannot give our best to others. When you reach our age, there really isn't anything we NEED, but we buy what we WANT for ourselves. This year especially, I've tried to live in the moment and savor every day (even the not so great days). I hope to be even better at that in 2016. Thank you for sharing this personal story, and I just know you will have a "Perfect Christmas!"
ReplyDeleteWarm hugs,
Carol
I think that is the key, Carol...letting go of what is "supposed to be" and just being with whatever life brings our way. Even on Christmas! Warm hugs to you, too. Merry Christmas!
DeleteKim, speaking as someone who also wrestled with chasing perfection, you have expressed it beautifully. There is such a freedom that comes with letting go of those expectations. This will be the first Christmas that I am not celebrating with at least on my kids. It will be different, quiet; I will share in their celebrations thru Facetime and it will be perfect in its own way. Merry Christmas to you and your family! p.s. I think fajitas for Christmas sounds wonderful--but then again I'm from Texas ;)
ReplyDeleteI guess change is inevitable Cecilia and even though I am a longtime meditator and believer in living in the moment, regardless of what it brings, for some reason it’s harder with Christmas isn’t it? I hope you enjoy your FaceTime festivities and have a very Merry Christmas! :)
DeleteAnother wonderful post Kim....Christmas is exactly like the rest of our life...it's what we make of it! I could stay home and moan because I'm short a kid who may never come back.....or.........I can go and make music at an Alzheimer's facility and never stop smiling for the whole day. (even when my hands begin to ache!!) Everything is a choice...looks to me like you made a great one!!
ReplyDeleteHave a joyous day and a blessed new year!
J
Thank you so much, J. What we make of it should be my new mantra! It was a lovely day after all and I hope that your Christmas was a joyous day... filled with music!! I wish you all the best in 2016 and thank you for all the lovely visits. You always make me glad I shared. :)
DeleteKim,
ReplyDeleteSuch a beautiful post and something that we all need to be reminded of...that Christmas takes on different forms for each of us, and at different times in our lives.
I am sorry that your mom is in hospice, that is tough, especially at this time of year and my thoughts are with you!
Your fajita night sounds just perfect to me, comfy pants and all!
Merry Christmas to you and your family!
Big Hugs, Kimberley
Comfy pants and fajita's were so fun! I hope your Christmas was fun, too, Kimberley and big hugs your way!!
DeleteSuch a beautifully written post, Kim. I too remember those childhood Christmases when everything seemed perfect and I suppose that is why we try to keep recreating that feeling! Wishing you and your family a happy and joyful Merry Christmas.
ReplyDeleteHelen xox
Merry Christmas, Helen. I hope your day was wonderful! :)
DeleteMerry Christmas, Kim. What wonderful memories you have from your childhood Christmases. I am confident that your children will look back fondly on their childhood Christmases as well. When we were growing up my parents' parents lived in the same area a couple of hours away and we would travel to see them every year, spending Christmas eve with one set and Christmas day with the other. We would return home to find that Santa had visited on schedule and our packages were waiting under the tree for us to return. For us it was the Christmases we had always known, fun with cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents. I wonder now if my mother has regrets because she has mentioned many times lately that we didn't have a true Christmas morning in our own home. When my kids were young we were able to do Christmas with their grandparents who all lived in the area without forgoing our Christmas morning at home. But I think it is the love of the family that makes Christmas celebrations wonderful and I am guessing that comes thru loud and clear whether your Christmas is Norman Rockwellian or not.
ReplyDeleteI think we all look back at Christmases that have passed...well, if it they good times, anyway....and think that is how it's supposed to be done! I guess that growing up, in my case, is realizing that supposed to and perfect are just words and being with what is, is most important. I know your Christmas celebration is going to be in January and I hope it is wonderful...perfect or not! xoxo
DeleteMerry Christmas, Kim. We cannot do it all, and we are happier for realizing that most people don't care if the house is clean or the food fancy, because we really just need each other. Hugs to you and your family and mother. It is heartbreaking to lose a mother in such a way; my mother is experiencing similar with hers. xoxo Su
ReplyDeleteThank you, Su. I am sorry for your mom. I hope that your Christmas was wonderful...perfect for you! :)
DeleteI can always count on you to 'tell it as it is', but with such honest eloquence.
ReplyDeleteWishing you a cozy Christmas,
Poppy
Thank you, Poppy. I hope you Christmas was merry and bright!!
DeleteJust a wonderful post to read Kim, thank you.
ReplyDeleteMay you have a peaceful Christmas time and all good wishes for the New Year ahead.
All the best Jan
Thank you, Jan. Best in 2016!
DeleteI used to have a poster with inspirational quotes on it, and one of my favorites was 'almost all of our unhappiness is a result of comparing ourselves to others'. I've learned that is so very true. I've also learned when we fall into the trap of trying to recreate the Hallmark moments, it never works. I now know what lies behind the Hallmark moments would surprise us.
ReplyDeleteEach of us is living the life we were meant to live. It is, indeed, perfect for US.
I too am Italian. I too had the so called perfect Christmases (that really weren't). I too had a tremendous life change when my father died, as he was the glue in our family.
At soon to be 62, if I know anything, it's that nothing stays the same. Whatever kind of Christmas, or Thanksgiving, or LIFE, we are experiencing now, won't be what we will experience in years to come. So let's just enjoy the here and now.
xxx
All so very true, Doreen! Thanks for weighing in. Here’s to enjoying the here and now! xo
DeleteAnd this is why I never fail to read your blog, Kim. (Even if I do get here a bit late.) Beautifully, exquisitely written. Love this so much. xoxoxo ~ Nancy
ReplyDeleteThank you, Nancy. Your words mean a great deal to me. Truly. I hope your Christmas was perfect! ;)
DeleteHello my dear,
ReplyDeleteI agree with Nancy, this is why I never fail to read your blog as well, no matter how late I am.
Okay, this post goes on my favorite for 2015 too. :-)) Well said! And sooooo true. Guess what, we made enchilada's for Christmas dinner. :-)))
Merry Christmas,
Carla
Thank you, Carla. Your sweet words just made me smile from the inside out! :) And I think we’re starting a new Christmas trend, you and I ~ spicy Christmas!
Deletevery thought provoking...! Yes, my mother drove us all insane with her 1950's idea of perfection---often fueled by alcohol... to go along with the craziness. I have long given up perfection for sticky floors from toddler's making cookies and a whole roast pig Phillipine style for the traidtional roast goose---that no one could digest anyway. Our family has grown and adapted, simplified and Christmas is not perfect but way more fun and varied, multicultural and HAPPY! Only tradition I hang onto---is the Danish magical rice pudding--long story there. Thank you for the reality check...your post was perfect to enjoy on the down-end of Christmas, Sandi
ReplyDeleteSo glad you could relate, Sandi. Lots of pressure to create a perfect day, isn't there. Sounds like you have found your happy medium. I am sure it was a great day! Thanks so much for the visit! :)
DeleteI love you, Kim. And I love this post. Oh and no, those aren't tears in my eyes.... I was cutting onions ;)
ReplyDeletexo
Those onions get me every time. xo
DeleteKim, I guess what they say is true! Once you put on you big-girl pants (sweatpants) you see things the way they really are. Christmas is perfect in the eyes of an 8 year old, and I'm here to tell you as someone pushing into the late part of life that they are looking pretty perfect once again. Maybe perfect was lost a little in between but now it's back. For me, I've become to realize that life's too short to do otherwise..Happy New Year..Judy P. S. This was a great post BTW..
ReplyDeleteThank you, Judy. It’s been a rough few years and the Pollyanna part of me is just starting to resurface once again…realizing that things are what they are and it’s up to us to find the perfect in every day. Thanks for sharing, I love the feedback and perspective! So glad your Christmas was lovely! Happy 2016!
DeleteWell, I am definitely very late to posting on this amazing post... but I concur wholeheartedly with you Kim... the true joy about the holidays comes when you accept that things won't be perfect and just relax and enjoy the beautiful moments as they come! You write from the heart and speak words of truth...I appreciate you and your friendship, and pray that this year holds special blessings for you in ways you've never imagined. Much love to you dear friend!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, my friend. I am grateful for your kind words and friendship. The more I reflect on this post, I think that it really is true not only during the holidays but every day. I wish you nothing but wonderful in 2016 and I hope your Christmas was lovely and filled with joyful moments.
DeleteKim, I was going to write some witty reply, but am at loss for anything that would match your heart. Just thank you.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Nancy. It's perfect! ❤️
Delete